All Aboard the Crown Princess, Pt. 2

Continued from All Aboard the Crown Princess, Pt. 1

*All travel expenses for this trip were paid by Princess Cruises, but all opinions are my own

The Crown Princess

I just spent a week aboard the Crown Princess on my first big-ship cruise, sailing from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida through the Western Caribbean. I brought along my dear friend Samantha (also a cruise newbie), and while the sailing was billed as the Romance Summit, for us it was our first-ever Valentine’s Day away from our husbands. Now that the ground has (almost) stopped moving when I stand still, I feel ready to reflect on our week at sea.

For all you other cruise virgins out there, I continue with our adventures onboard: We saw hundreds of people renew their vows on board. In a flurry of mini-veils and red satin bow ties, scores of couples took advantage of a Valentine’s Day at sea to hit the Lido Deck and re-pledge their undying commitment. Most folks chose to do this without changing out of their t-shirts and sneakers, which seemed to beg the question:  Is love, in fact, blind? Throughout the week, three couples would also get married in the onboard Hearts & Minds chapel, and at least one couple we know of got engaged. Even though Captain Stubing (a.k.a. actor Gavin MacLeod) had to miss the cruise due to a back injury, it was clear they don’t call the Crown Princess ‘The Love Boat” for nothin.’

Couple renewing their vows on the Lido Deck; the chapel decked out for a wedding

Turns out you can get flowers on board…from anywhere. Despite Adam being in Santa Fe, New Mexico and Samantha’s husband Eddie in L.A., we both got flowers well after the ship had gone out to sea. Adam arranged delivery to our room of a dozen roses through the Princess website, and via email, Eddie alerted Sammy to a beautiful card and Grow a Dozen Roses™ he’d stashed in her suitcase. All week, we watched this genius gift expand in a glass of water, wondering if it might become a floral version of  A Fish Out of Water.

My onboard Valentine's roses from Adam

We decided that if we couldn’t be with the ones we love, we’d love the ones we were with. True, we were far away from our husbands on V-Day, but together we celebrated the ship’s Valentine’s Day gala with fancy dresses, champagne and pink-feathered, sparkly tiaras. While we were in keeping with the spirit of a “princess cruise,” we were by no means the best- dressed on board; many folks brought full-length ball gowns and tuxes. Daring, considering that airline luggage fees are now $20+ per checked bag.

Samantha and I toasting Valentine's Day in the Crooners Lounge

We sat in on the Romance Summit. In honor of Valentine’s week, Princess assembled a “Department of Romance” to help singles and couples make positive changes in their love lives. The panel’s big stars were Trista & Ryan Sutter, the first couple to meet and get married via the ABC reality show, The Bachelorette. They were really nice folks and their kids (who they brought with them) are almost ridiculously adorable.

I, however, was thrilled to meet and hear Anna Post, great-granddaughter of Emily Post, who shared her tips on relationship etiquette; and the glamorous, fabulous Dee Frazier, founder of The University of Dating. Together, these women could improve the romantic connection between every couple imaginable.

We visited the bridge. Our group was given leave to join twinkly Captain Proctor, the Scotsman behind our daily loudspeaker announcements, at the navigational nerve center of the ship. Just about everything is digitally controlled these days — though there are still paper maps on hand for emergencies — and a modern ship’s wheel is a disappointing four inches in diameter. Just about every navigator up there is handsome and Italian, the window wipers are positively enormous, and the view is spectacular.

Turns out anyone can book a tour of the bridge and more. We talked with a man from Chicago who’d just taken his wife on The Ultimate Ship Tour and loved it. The $150 tour (available on several Princess ships) lasts several hours and gives ship passengers access to “back-of-house” areas like the galley, laundry, engine control room, medical center, etc.

Captain Proctor showing us the bridge; the ship's wheel is in the left foreground

We continued to eat, drink, and eat some more. Lobster at the Crown Grill. Elegant, healthy egg-white breakfasts and later, 15 magical Italian courses at Sabatini’s. Caffeine at The Piazza, a European-vibe coffee café that serves espresso drinks and my favorite bean, Jamaican Blue Mountain. Gorgeous Greek salad, lemon shrimp and bakery treats at The International Café, which would be more than welcome to set up shop in our own homes.

Heartbreakingly delicious grilled shrimp at Sabatini's

We learned that onboard wine tasting isn’t our cup of tea. Samantha and I are big into wine, and actually met at a tasting. We were excited to visit Vines, the Crown Princess’s onboard wine bar, and to sign up for a special wine tasting event at Sabatini’s (for $25) that would include the legendary Opus One.

At Vines, where wine is charged to your room card, you’re supposed to be given complimentary sushi and tapas, and with any luck, offered the opportunity to purchase gourmet cheeses for $1 per generous portion. Despite being the only people in the bar one early evening, we were offered none of these things by the one unfriendly waiter who took our wine order. We eventually managed to order a little sushi and a plate of cheese, but both were delivered with a world-weary sigh. We loved the German blue cheese…but we didn’t linger.

The wine tasting at Sabatini’s turned out to be dull and stuffy. About 60 silent people were stiffly seated at round tables around the posh dining room while a series of European waiters took to microphones in heavily-accented English to explain each wine on the list in aching, uninspired detail. In a smaller setting, this approach might have allowed for some relaxed laughter, but in this format was as much fun as taking the SATs. The gorgeous wine selections were worth the money we paid, but we’d rather have fled this uptight scene.

We got stressed out at the spa. Samantha and I were kindly invited to try out complimentary treatments at the ship’s lovely Lotus Spa…but this wasn’t as lovely as it may sound.

My massage and facial left me temporarily boneless as a rubber chicken, but Samantha’s seaweed wrap proved cold and clammy rather than warm and soothing. (Think “getting an ultrasound,” and you’ve got the basic idea.) At the end of each of our treatments, we were helped to sit up, still naked under sheets, handed water and, unbidden, were given lectures from our early 20-something aestheticians on how to take better care of ourselves. Samantha’s talking-to involved a stern warning to immediately abandon all the foods she holds dear in favor of anything alkaline. I was given a 10-minute hard sell for about $400 worth of skin care products that could conveniently be found at the front desk.

Moments later, through a minor misunderstanding, we were each brought bills for about $300. I was shocked to learn that if my own spa experience had gone according to the Lotus plan, I would have left not only annoyed, but also $700 lighter. (The error of “$300 vs. free” was immediately fixed by the front desk, but unfortunately, none too politely.)

The Lotus Spa's elusive Thermal Suite

We would later discover that, press trip aside, suite passengers and folks who’ve booked spa treatments are afforded free access to the Thermal Suite, a quiet, co-ed area replete with heated-tile lounging beds and aromatic steam rooms. (Otherwise, access to the Thermal Suite costs $20 a day, $99 a week or $150 for a couples’ pass.)

However, we weren’t informed about this at the time of our spa visit by the spa staff, and in fact weren’t given leave to visit the ladies’ locker room or change into robes. It would take several attempts (and a Princess rep’s intervention) to convince the front desk staff we were worthy of a 20-minute visit to the Suite, but by then the shine was off our relaxation penny. That said, you should (try to) get in and snag two tiled lounges side by side…it’s warm and smells nice in there.

We sampled the onboard activities. We dropped in on one of the small, daily LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) gatherings and learned all about the lavish costume parties on gay cruise lines like RSVP. Most couples agreed that the Crown Princess is pretty straight, but that this environment makes for a more monogamously-themed vacation. For one young guy in this group, this was his 26th Princess cruise, but his first with his new boyfriend.

While I Romance Summited on my own, Samantha hit the heavenly, al fresco, adults-only Sanctuary (my choice of alternative to the Lotus Spa); went to the tricked-out gym to ride a tandem bike with a view of the sea; then played a rousing game of bingo at the casino with a handful of elderly Canadians.  

Together, we laughed along with relationship comedian (and Romance Summit member) Kevin Hughes and took in the extravaganza of the Princess Theater’s Destination Anywhere, where the music veers from romantic Big Band to awkwardly raunchy rap to Janet Jackson’s Rhythym Nation to the “Lion King” soundtrack.

On my own, I helped cheer on a Men’s Sexy Legs contest, where 83 year-old Carl was the clear (and saucy) winner.

Destination Anywhere...and Destination Carl

We puzzled over the onboard art gallery. As some of you know, when I’m not a travel writer, I’m an artist; I love going to art galleries and museums, and enjoy seeing how art is created, packaged and sold. What I do not know is how cartoon children dressed as scruffy clowns, cross-legged bronze unicorns and a big green olive with arms and legs could command prices upwards of $20,000. (Accent, by the way, on the “upwards.”) There was a big art auction by week’s end, and we saw several pieces get snatched up by discerning guests who have either a rollicking sense of humor or a desire to set wads of their cash aflame.

Painting by Michael Godard

We fell in love with “Photo Alley.” Every day, just outside the Crown Grill restaurant, there was an ever-growing display of professional photos taken of the ship’s guests at different special events. We pored over these each evening, looking for interesting faces, fancy outfits and couples in love. Folks from these photos became pseudo-celebrities to us, and if we saw them around the ship we’d poke each other and say, “There he/she is!”  (Clearly, in some ways, we are still in junior high.)

Each night at 11pm, the $6+ photos would be locked away, always before we were done…while the $20,000+ artwork would just sit out for all to see. Unfair, if you ask me.

We excursion’ed off the ship four times. I signed us up for tours in several ports:

Grand Cayman
Roatán, Honduras
Cozumel, Playa del Carmen and the ruins of Tulum in Mexico
Eleuthera, Bahamas

Accounts of these adventures to follow!

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Continued in
Turtles, Hell and Rum Cake: Grand Cayman
The Highs and Lows of Roatan
Doin’ Time at the Ruins of Tulum
Eleuthera: Between Oh Lord and Thank God